2002-02-03 - 6:33 p.m.
It's so hard to live in my house sometimes. Besides the lack of air conditioning and heat. It's the mood. The constant angry depressed mood that everyone here walks around with. My father, who tells me that although it's okay to have dreams, I shouldn't be ashamed of the mediocre job I will probably get after college, because hey, he's not doing the kind of job he likes, and he's disappointed with life, but that's okay, only one in a million people get to be extraordinary. My mother, who makes fun of me for being single, but tells me that she ruined her life by giving up her job and that marriage takes away any freedom or happiness, and that she hates herself, and that if I ever depend on anyone it will be the biggest mistake of my life. Throw in the fact that they are both hard of hearing yet hate to be shouted at. That causes lots of nice arguements and hurt feelings. Add in that the word "moodchanger" has actually been coined here for an incident that makes the rest of the day unhappy, such as my father spilling something and getting embarassed and turning it around and telling us all what's wrong with us. And that me saying something positive is being a "smart ass", and me sitting by myself for a moment makes me "lazy" and that I feel "sorry for myself" all the time if I complain about something like my broken knee. Yeah, I do feel sorry for myself. Sorry that my clincially depressed parents seem to like to confide in me that they think they're suffering from nervous breakdowns, or that mother daughter bonding time can include me and my mom crying because my dad just yelled at us for being sloppy and lazy.
Okay, now that I've made my home life sound abusive, when it really isn't, just depressing. Imagine living with two really oversensitive, self analytical, pessimistic parents. Kind of like myself, multiplied by two and magnified a thousand times. And people tell me I don't understand depression. Yeah right. Depression is my freaking birthright. The only one in my family who has escaped it so far is my sister, but I think it's because she keeps it to herself more, and she has a nice fiancee who is actually happy and normal. I'm so afraid of making others miserable I don't even plan on having children. Maybe not even getting married. I don't want to suck anybody into the old "Burns Depression", a phrase I've heard used by like, my entire extended family. And what sucks is that I think depressed people can also be the most kind at times because they are so introspective. And that just makes it worse, that they're so great sometimes, and the next day they're like monsters.
You know, before the whole spilling thing event which happened like 15 minutes ago took place, I actually had written an entry about how I've been having a more positive outlook lately. I actually used the phrase "sunshine and lollipops".
In case you don't believe all of this, here's two conversations I've had within the past 5 minutes.
My Sister: What just happened down there?
Kelly: I think Dad spilled something and got mad.
My Sister: Scary. I'm going to my room.
and
Mom: You're not watching the Superbowl? Come on, you know you love Football.
Kelly: Yeah. I love it like I love it here.
