2004-01-22 - 10:30 p.m.
So my life is kind of like, this area of suck surrounded by an electrified fence. And as long as I deal with the suck and don't try to improve it by running into the fence and getting electrified I'll be just fine.
I don't know. I've felt sort of weird ever since I moved back here, even though it's only been...5 days. (Damn. 5 days! It feels like forever!) It's sort of like...well last semester started off so crappy, but I had such a good attitude that I turned it around completely and made it fantastic. And now, I don't know. Maybe I lost some of that ambition over winter break.
It just kind of sucks knowing that, I won't meet any new people or do any new things. What's the point of getting dressed every day, then? It just makes me sad, to see the thousands of people who go here, and I only talk to 6 of them. Don't get me wrong, I love everyone I know here, but I feel like such a waste. Academically, I'm a waste, and socially, I'm a waste. I'm just sitting here pissing my life away.
And when I start to get depressed, the harder it is to change things around. If I didn't feel so shitty right now, I'd be thinking clearly about how I should join a club or just go up and talk to a stranger or something. But...I don't know. You understand if you're a person who tends to get very depressed. It's just a pattern of thinking you fall into. It gets worse with time, but for an expert like me, one or two days is enough to wonder why I don't just blow my head off because I'm so useless. It's kind of mind-blowing, being here, and everyone is so much nicer and cooler and better-looking and more talented than I am. Either that, or they're just people who got 100's on their SATs and ended up here. There's no in-between. What do I have to offer anyone? My fucking mediocracy?
(I just realized I sit like a fucking retard at my chair. I look like Gollum. As in the bottoms of my feet are resting on the edge of the chair and I'm leaning forward and the result looks like an abused animal.)
I don't like feeling like this, so I guess I better start thinking positively or some shit like that, and quick.
