2004-02-20 - 10:42 a.m.
Isn't technology amazing? I can sit in front of my computer and disrupt lives without even getting up from my seat. The seasons change, but not the bullshit; people are still melodramatic assholes. My parents raised me to believe in certain values. Friendships are based on having the same values, as Karen once pointed out. One of these values is to be honest and speak my mind, to defend myself when I am being wronged. Only here, speaking your mind gets you enemies. Here, words you say in a private conversation that are overread by an outside party are used against you. Imagine that? Here, being honest makes you a bitch. I don't like you; I don't pretend to like you; I say to someone I don't like you, in a private conversation; you barge into my workplace and make a scene. I sit here and feel embarassed for your immaturity. What are you trying to prove? Who are you trying to prove it to? One thing I hate is when people try to use your own emotions to bring you down. Without ever stopping to think what they did to make you feel this way. Do you feel betrayed? How can you feel betrayed by someone who has been nothing but honest with you?
Since high school my life has been just one emotional disaster after another, with periods of okayness inbetween. "The glorious highs, the suicidal lows, and the okay in-betwens", as Latoya and I used to say. And with the exception of the times Karen and I have gotten into fights, every single incident has been not worth it. Not one. It's sad how people all over the world act exactly the same. Act disappointgly. For too long, I have cared too much about what people think. For too long, I have made false apologies and spent sleepness nights crying and worrying that I "ruined everything".
This time, I don't care. The off switch has been flipped. You can only do things a certain number of times before you get tired of them. And I have reached my limit. Some people are just not worth having in your life. As cruel as it seems, some people are really just hoping to bring you down and hurt you at every chance. Not too many people, but they do exist. Something inside me has said, no more disasters. No more he-said-she-said. No more staying up writing letters of apology with words I know someone wants to hear. No more embarassing confessions, nothing. Look, I was a bitch. And you know what? It wasn't an accident. I don't like you, I was a bitch, and what? You want me to take it back? Not only is that impossible, but I see no reason to.
Not caring is a very odd feeling, or void of feeling, I should say. It's kind of like when you reach that age where playing with Barbies isn't fun anymore. You just pick them up and think, yeah, that was good for a while, but I just can't do this anymore. Even if I played with them, I wouldn't have any fun anymore. That's how this is. Suddenly I have stepped out of the box. It's like being enlightened, but not that dramatic. It's just an inevitable step that I think most people don't reach until they're about 35. I'm looking at these people thinking, yeah, that was fun for a while, but I just can't do this anymore. He said, she said, whispers, glares. All you have to do is not look and you won't see them. And at this point, it's not even pointedly ignoring people or situations. I'm just distracted with a wonderful life and I'm not slowing down to notice these things.
It's 5am and I'm at work. A guy came in and talked to me for half an hour. He was hitting on me, but not in a roll-your-eyes type of way. Just a conversational way. He spent 75 cents to buy me a Diet Coke. It's 5am and I have no makeup on, I'm in my pajamas, and I've been picking at my face like it's my job. And this guy still thinks I am worth 75 cents and a half hour of his time. I talked to this guy about more mature topics than I have over 90% of dinner tables with these people who I used to care about. What I'm trying to say is, look. A stranger. I said something odd and he laughed. "You're nuts. You're pretty, but you're nuts, you know that?" He doesn't even know me, and he's nicer than the person I described above has ever been to me. The world is full of nice people and assholes. And sometimes the assholes are your friends and the nice people are the strangers. But you know what? That's nobody's fault but your own. I never saw that before, but now I understand. Last year Karen used to tell me that technically, it's my own fault for hanging out with people who made me miserable and I was the one who had to take action and break away. I didn't see an escape. "They're my friends. They're my only friends." High school mentality, you see. One that they are still clinging to.
I used to be very disappointed in people, in general. They didn't reach my standards, my expectations of friendship and even common decency. This made me very depressed. I wanted to break away, and I did. I didn't want to make enemies. Here's my silly Smallville reference. In one episode Clark says he is disappointed in Lana and Chloe. Lana says, "We may have made mistakes...but they were ours to make." I always thought that was a retarded line, but now I understand. Hey. I never expected perfection from these people. I've forgiven them time and time again. And now, I've made mistakes too, and they were mine to make. I could hold it all in; I could keep my feelings to myself. But I didn't. Should I regret that? How can you regret something you've done, really? You can't. You can only learn from it. You pushed me away first. I just gave a reciprocal shove. That's just who I am. I can let a lot of things go, but when you keep pushing my buttons, shit is going to happen.
Awkward situations and running into you, guess what. Not caring cancels out awkwardness. My Dad always told me the best way to get people to stop doing whatever you want them to stop doing is to hold back from giving them the reaction they want. His example was the chronic complainer. You know the one. "I feel soooo sick, and my work is due, and my pet turtle has bronchitis." They want you to egg them on. "Oh my God that is so terrible!" But if you go, "That's too bad. Well, gotta run!" they won't try complaining to you again. If he comes into my workplace and makes a scene and tries to provoke me, and I roll my eyes and scoff, that's the end of it. Maybe he feels unsatisfied, maybe in his mind my scoff was a sob. Sticks and stones will break my bones, you know the rest.
Still, I wish I didn't have to be around this type of stuff. I've removed it like a tumor from my life but you can't completely escape people unless you move to another country. Negative people, assholes, will keep trying to come back. You can spray a roach with Raid but you still have to look at the ugly thing while you're doing it. That's how I feel. The thing is, I can't physically escape. I can only escape through living my life and forgetting. I went to Chilis tonight with my friends. When I came back I had that "Wasn't something bothering me earlier?" feeling in the back of my mind. I had already forgotten. It took a few to recall what had been bothering me.
I've always been a person who holds grudges. That's part of what got me into this "mess" anyway - even though his past actions have been triply, quadrupally overrun by his recent behavior towards not only me but everyone else in his life and it was those actions I was speaking of that disgusted me. I've always been all about holding on to anger. And you know what? It's a shitty way to live. I would love to forgive and forget, but I've learned that not everyone is worth forgiving, only forgetting. Like I said, they just keep coming back and hurting you more. I can compare this to married couples who get a divorce and are actually more civil to each other after the divorce and are better parents to their kids because their number one source of stress and unhappines, each other, is gone. Not all people are compatable with each other. Sometimes you just have to be apart to be okay and grow.
The great part is, I'm not even saying all of this to make myself feel better. It's true. I'm not saying I'm completely perfect; like I said, I was embarassed and disturbed by his immaturity and thought about it for an hour or two afterwards. People's actions are confusing. But then, I shouldn't have expected anything but nonsense from him anyway. It's all he's ever displayed.
I am such a little carbon copy of my mother.If I told her all that was going on, she would agree with me absolutely. My father, as well. I've already told my sister, and she agrees with me. Now, this doesn't justifity my actions as correct to whole world. Murderers whose children are murderers probably give tips on how to hide bodies. But you know what? My parents aren't murderers. They are people I respect and want to follow in their footsteps. So in that way, I feel justified. Just as his mother probably would waltz into a room, fling open both doors, and make a huge scene just as he did, and he would feel justified. People are who they are.
I have 15 minutes left before my shift is through. Time has flown by, with the help of this laptop and the Beatles' sweet music. I love this job. Only 4 days at it, and it has already made me rethink some things in my life. Like my belief that I had some inability to talk to strangers and was unapproachable. Earlier today, a guy who I've seen and said hi to but never gotten to know all year talked to me for a long time. I know so much about him now I could give a 20 minute speech on his life. But I didn't mind. He was interesting. And it was pretty flattering. I know some people are more open than others, but you still wouldn't tell your life story to someone if you didn't want them to know. Nobody is that bored. I never thought I was worth the time of people, that I had to earn it. Unless sitting behind a desk somehow made me earn it, I was wrong. See? Again, with the realization there are nice people in the world.
And if there are people out here reading this who plan on using an online journal I've been writing in for 3 years against me, that's just lame. I haven't mentioned any names. This isn't slander. Have some respect, people. It's what makes the world go 'round.
