2004-05-06 - 10:28 p.m.
I've been in such a bad mood for the past week or so. Maybe it's stress, I don't know. Since I tend to put things off and let them build up, when it finally explodes it takes its toll on me. Maybe that's why I always get sick when I come home for breaks. I came home on Wenesday cause classes are over and I don't have a final until Tuesday, and like the second I came home I got sick and achy.
Anyway. Yeah, I don't know what my problem is. Everything is just pissing me off. I'm spending all this time self-analyzing and not liking what I'm finding. I'm snapping at people, I'm avoiding my friends. My friends are so good to me, and I treat them like crap. Even I feel bad about it. For example, tomorrow is Friday, the last Friday we'll all be together at college before summer, and I should have this let's party! mentality and want to hang out with them, but I feel like if I do, I'm gonna be a bitch and drag them down so I might just stay at home. I always tell myself that they'll have just as much fun without me as if I was there, which may be true, but really it's just something I tell myself so I won't feel bad. Plus I know it's coming across the wrong way. I want to stay at home because I don't want to ruin their good time, but they'd probably think I think they suck and I don't want to be around them. Yeah, I don't know what I'm gonna do.
I had another one of my rambling I'm saying this shit as I'm thinking it talks about love and dating with my mom today. I said it was too late for me to have a boyfriend because I've spent so much time adjusting to being alone that now if I had a boyfriend, he would be nothing but a burden and a pain in my ass. That I didn't like the idea that I'm only half a person. And that I wouldn't be a good girlfriend anyway, because I've already grown out of the watching a guy play video games and pretending not to be bored phase. And that when I like someone, I tend to not act like myself and it freaks me out. My mom said that when I really do like someone, I won't even know I'm not being myself, like instinct takes over or something and I'll like being all nice and kind and it'll make me happy. I said that the second someone else was in charge of me being happy or sad would be the second I'd leave. She said I'm crazy. She also said I should keep beer in my apartment next year so when i meet guys i can invite them over and offer them beer. "Guys like beer!" Oh, mom. I guess it's good that one of us hasn't given up hope. She's only gonna be disappointed, though.
See, it's stuff like that that I've been obsessed with lately. I don't know what the hell is going on. I'm starting to get worried, cause I'm not even especially enjoying my time at home, which I always do. I'm like dissatisfied with everything. I hate when shit like this comes out of nowhere.
