2005-01-24 - 6:39 p.m.
People have been staring at me all day. It was a little unsettling. Well, who knows, there could be lots of reasons. Let's get the first silly reason out of the way and say maybe I looked nice. Probably though it was the large amount of books I was carrrying, or the fact that I forgot my gloves and it was fucking freezing, or God only knows what else. Anyway, it was a little weird. Like, I have a (bad?) habit of people-watching, not to the point where I look crazy people on the subway in the eye, but you know, I look at the people coming on and off the shuttle bus or whatever. And then they look at me back and I have to remind myself they're only staring because I'm staring. But this wasn't even that. This was like, I look up and they're already looking at me. YOU WANT SOMMA DIS YO?
Today I was on the bus and I saw a reflection and I thought "Ew" right before I realized it was me. I'm not kidding, true story. THAT'S A TRUE STORY, PEOPLE!
I had more to write but I forgot it all. New classes are okay. They're actually better than okay, but I find it nearly impossible for me to admit that. I've been in school for 15 1/2 years and I'm still not used to it. Every day it's like "Aw man, CLASS? What the fuck?" I would say that classes feel like an invasion of some preferred way of living, but I don't even really have that. No boyfriend, no job, no thrilling hobby that takes up all my time. This sums it up perfectly, from an autobiography I'm reading:
"Don't you want an education?" my mother asked.
"Not if I have to go to school for it!" I replied boldly.
Yeah.
I can't pinpoint exactly what scares me. Graduating late, yeah everyone graduates late. Part of what I'm not looking forward to is having people on my back all the time, namely my parents. Why haven't you graduated yet? What career are you going into? Shouldn't you be making connections? Shouldn't you be doing this? Because the more they do that, the more I'm gonna want to live in a Volkswagen Bus and marry the first deaf mute I encounter. Also, I'm really dreading being the last one of my friends to get their act together. You know that feeling when you have no work to do, but everyone else does, and they resent you and think you're a slacker? Maybe not, but I know the feeling. And I can only imagine it's worse after graduation.
"Want to go get drunk?"
"No Kelly, I have my full-time fancy job in the morning."
"Want to go to the movies?"
"No Kelly, I'm picking out flower arrangements with my fiancee. I have a REAL LIFE. By the way, how much French have you forgotten by now?"
Man, I turned up the heat so bad in my room I'm practically sweating. Isn't that interesting? Sometimes I thrill myself. I have homework to do.
