2005-04-05 - 9:45 p.m.
I'm going to dedicate this entry, for the 100,000th time, to how much I hate school. I should warn you that I'll probably contradict myself and say things that make no sense and are basically petty ramblings. Just so you know, this is mostly for myself.
I hate school. I hate and resent everything having to do with school. Believe me, I have the utmost respect and admiration for people who take education and scholarship and academia seriously. Anyone who's ever had at least one teacher or professor they admire has to say at least that. But school is not the highlight of my life. I've yet to figure out exactly what I want to do in my life, and I mean in a broader sense than just a career or a job, I mean in all aspects. But what I do know is that I really, really hate being a student. I can't even remember when I started hating school so much. I think it started off as "hating my english class" or "Hating chemistry" and then it just blossomed into full-blown hatred during my senior year of high school, which was basically 10 months of study hall and boredom. But yes, I really don't like being a student. I hate the fact that I'm living the same life and following the same rules that applied when I was 6 years old. Get to class on time. Pay attention. Don't doodle. Take notes. Study. Do busywork. Raise your fucking hand. Respect the teacher, even though now I'm an adult and I can recogtnize a jerk or an idiot when I see one even if they are a teacher. At least when I was 6 I was learning how to write and do math. Now my parents pay thousands and thousands of dollars for me to sit in a class like "Contemporary Issues III" and go around in a circle saying whether or not we think torture is good or bad. Yeah, because I really care about the freshman girl sitting next to me who talks about her sorority and working at Hooters all the times. I really want to know what her insights on torture are because it's not like I'm 20 and can't come to my own conclusions about things like whether rape and violence are bad, and I need to hear the opinions of my fellow state school students. I swear to God. You know, with French, it's okay. I'm learning things I never knew about before and that nobody would ever know unless they were majoring in French. That's the sort of school that makes you feel good. It's almost more like training than learning. That's what I like about French. You learn a word and you speak it and now you know it forever. Direct application of knowledge. That's what I'm talking about.It's sitting around talking about abstract things, or simply sitting in a desk and being talked at for 75 minutes until the day comes when I can take the final and get credit for sleeping through the class, that fucking piss me off. I seriously should have just gone to secreterial school or something. Or should have been born in a different decade. Like my mom and I were talking about how in her day, it was admirable to have the same job until you retired. You know? "Mr. So-and-so was a mechanic for 35 years!" But now it's all about climbing the ladder and everything. What about people who just want to work to earn money? People whose primary interest isn't in working? And don't tell me that I'm just lazy. You should know by now that some people like work and reposnsiblity more than others and it doesn't necessarily make them any better or worse than someone who would rather sit around and do birdwatching all day. I'm sure there are lots of famous birdwatchers who did lots of cool things and had a great family and were happy when they died. I'm getting off track here, but anyway my point is that I just don't belong in school. You know when you go to the mall and some 16 year old stands around picking at her hair instead of helping you find a dressing room? And when she does she has not a bad attitude but a bored attitude? That's because she hates her job. She still goes, and she still technically does everything and gets paid, but she hates it. And that's how I am with school. I don't have a bad attitude or a rebellious attitude, because if I did I could just not go to class and say Fuck you to my parents and drop out. But no. I just don't want to be here. I can see in the long run that it's probably benefitial, and my parents want me to go, so I'm here. At the very, very least I can say I'm happy I went because of the friends I have made. But that's pretty much it.
I think what started me thinking on all of this again is we're doing this chapter in French about what fields you can go into if you're bilingual and stuff like that. And honestly apart from things like working for a company where the only difference is you speak french except for english, most of the jobs are more "jobs" than careers. Because if you wanted to be a lawyer you would be a law major and not a French major. Anyway, it was actually kind of inspiring, and made me want to get the hell out of school faster. It's like I want to get out of school but people are grabbing at my legs slowing me down. No, no, you have to take 30000 credits worth of useless classes in addition to your major! Then you'll be well-rounded! Yeah, whatever.
I don't know when I'll finally get out of school, but I swear to God my last day of school will be the happiest day of my life (Sorry possible future husband and unborn chilren). I don't plan on going to commencement, but I'll definetely have a party even though I never have parties, because leaving school behind is something I have looked forward to my entire life. Believe me, I'm disgusted with myself for feeling that way. But I can't help it. I just know I'll be so different when I'm out of school. I've had jobs before and I don't mind working and I don't mind co-workers and a boss, but anyone who says having a job is like being at school is dead wrong. Yes, there are similiarities about the work you do and showing up on time and respecting your boss and everything, but it's NOT the same as being in school because being treated as an employee and being treated as a student are not the same thing. I guess I don't need to explain, anyone who's ever had a job knows what the diffrence is. Anyway. One day closer to leaving school behind forever. The end.
